This is the thing I’m most proud of writing in 2013 (so far)
When Decorating The Home
Problem: Your spouse wanted one of those bookcases with square cubbies. You didn’t want a new bookcase, so you met her halfway by burning all the books.
Aftermath: Causes immediate shutdown of the Department of Fucking and putting all non-essential talking on furlough. The Departments of Playing Nice For The In-Laws, Trash Duty, and the Masturbation Reserve Force will remain open, however.
Payoff: You get a DVD rack because you don’t want Big Apartment telling you that you have to read.
Paying Off Credit Card Debt
Problem: Your credit card company gave you a $5,000 credit limit, but your card is already unfairly maxed out because your bleeding heart spouse took your bleeding limbs kid to the hospital. So, you send them a check postdated for “when you stop charging me for my kids’ stupid healthcare. I don’t pay for other people’s healthcare.”
Aftermath: Your credit card is shut down, which means sharp cutbacks at the Office of Credit Ratings and the Child’s Respect Services. However, you will still be able to interact with the Office of Repo Man Relations and, of course, Child Protective Services.
Payoff: In an ingenious solution to re-start the credit card, you open a high-interest card in your child’s name and transfer your debt to him. A victory for fiscal responsibility.
Problem: You wanted everyone to like your political rants, but everyone kept liking Frank’s baby pictures instead. You take Frank’s baby and make a “I’ll give this baby back if my anti-Obama posts get 100k likes!” post.
Aftermath: Immediate shutdown of the following departments, the 30-Year-Friendship With Frank Administration, Dept. of Human Being Certification, and the Bureau of Not Being In Prison.
Payoff: You now make seven figures a year appearing via satellite as a Fox News contributor.
Paying Your Heating Bills
Problem: You didn’t understand why you got charged $34.56 for gas in September. The gas company asked if you leave your windows open all day and night, and you called that an unacceptable overreach into your privacy. So, you defunded your “gas-paying program” and demanded that they compromise by turning off your neighbor’s gas, because they’re poor and get heating assistance.
Aftermath: Loss of the following Apartment Bureaus: the Cooking Administration, the Division of Neighbors Saying Hi, Apartment Shower Facilities (except emergency Cold Shower workers), and Heat Services. Staying open are The Office of the Most Unpopular Man In The Building and the Department of Sweaters.
Payoff: Since you live in one of those hilarious libtard states where it’s illegal to shut off heat during the winter, you don’t freeze to death. You start a Tea Party splinter wing dedicated to wasteful heating of the poor, and receive a $34 million Koch Brothers donation. You still have not paid your bill.
At Your Job
Problem: Your boss picked Johnson’s presentation over yours for the big Conference in San Francisco that the whole office is attending this year. Even though you will both present it and work together on the re-writes, you decide to cancel everyone’s plane tickets until they compromise and pick your presentation.
Aftermath: Unfortunately, because you don’t work in Congress, you get fired for acting like a spoiled 5-year-old terrorist. A deal is attempted between the Department of Income and the Department of Pragmatism to collect unemployment, but unfortunately this is sideswiped by the Department of Pride. Eventually, all departments close except for the Department of Denial.
Payoff: Desperate and suicidal, you pick up the phone and reach out to your idol: Sen. Ted Cruz. He tells you that life is a gift that only the governor of Texas has the right to take away. He also tells you that idealism is more important than pragmatism, and to keep fighting. Inspired, you decide to compromise and get on the same flight that your former co-workers are on and hold their plane hostage at gunpoint. With tears in their eyes (probably from realizing how wrong they were), they promise you your job back with a raise. Graciously, you accept the offer. You enter to the cockpit to demand the pilots compromise by flying you to Switzerland, at which point the sniper in the control tower finally gets a good shot and compromises with the spot right between your eyes.
(by Johnny McNulty)