5 steps to stop thinking about our government and get something done, if just for one blissful second.


OK. Hi. I’m here to talk to you today about the festering pile of corruption and incompetence that is the elected government of the United States of America.

I’m sorry. Let me start over. I’m here to talk to you today about how to focus on anything other than those god-damn crooks pandering to lunatics living in a parallel….. I’m here to talk to you about how to focus on your work and get things done despite everything in the news. The “news”! Ha!

The first things you want to do to stop obsessing and start working are to

1.) Write down what you want.
2.) Stop talking.

A good example of this is the Republican party. Ugh, I f***ing did it again.

See, I started trying to angrily make sense of the world we live in, but I stopped myself so I could finish my task. Because in the world we live in, you and I are not rewarded for throwing temper tantrums and BLUEBERRY PIE!

If you can’t just stop talking, try yelling BLUEBERRY PIE! It will break your concentration, and will almost definitely get you out of a conversation about the shutdown. Probably. You never know with these f***ing people. I tried saying “pink elephant, pink elephant, pink elephant” but that had obvious problems.

Now that I’ve stopped, I can look at my goal and remember what I was trying to do: Stop Thinking About The Government.

I should probably rephrase that. Now I’m thinking about the government. Let’s just pretend I’m not and move on to the next step.

3.) Clear the area where you’ll be working of anything distracting.

Turn of the TV, shut off the radio if you’re old or are an angry trucker, put away any magazines or newspapers, and try to get away from any coworkers, roommates, family or anyone else with access to the outside world. It should just be you and workspace, or your computer. Your computer that the NSA is monitoring, because apparently the fact that we have email and the terrorists have email means that we’re all national security threats. I can’t believe I thought he would be different than Bush. God damn OBLUEBERRY PIE!

Hopefully by now you have your work in front of you. There are only two more steps to getting anything done:

4.) Get really drunk or high.

Hold on one second.

5.) What were we talking about?

Dude, you guys are really great. What’s up with you guys? Oh man, I just watched this parody of Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” video. It was great. I should totally send you the link. How about this great fall weather? Anyone want to go get Pumpkin Spice Lattes with me? Yeah, listen, anyone who wants to come with me, I’m buying. Let’s get a bunch of lattes and scones and have a picnic in the park.

What? The park is closed? …BLUUUUUEEEEEEEBBBEEERRRRRRRRYYYYYY PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!


(by Johnny McNulty)

Via Happy Place

sirmitchell:

geekyandgory:

by Jewrato

This is the best thing of all time. 

(Source: geekyandgory)

(Reblogged from )

This is the thing I’m most proud of writing in 2013 (so far)

How to use the GOP’s shutdown tactics to get whatever you want in life.

When Decorating The Home

Problem: Your spouse wanted one of those bookcases with square cubbies. You didn’t want a new bookcase, so you met her halfway by burning all the books.

Aftermath: Causes immediate shutdown of the Department of Fucking and putting all non-essential talking on furlough. The Departments of Playing Nice For The In-Laws, Trash Duty, and the Masturbation Reserve Force will remain open, however.

Payoff: You get a DVD rack because you don’t want Big Apartment telling you that you have to read.

Paying Off Credit Card Debt

Problem: Your credit card company gave you a $5,000 credit limit, but your card is already unfairly maxed out because your bleeding heart spouse took your bleeding limbs kid to the hospital. So, you send them a check postdated for “when you stop charging me for my kids’ stupid healthcare. I don’t pay for other people’s healthcare.”

Aftermath: Your credit card is shut down, which means sharp cutbacks at the Office of Credit Ratings and the Child’s Respect Services. However, you will still be able to interact with the Office of Repo Man Relations and, of course, Child Protective Services.

Payoff: In an ingenious solution to re-start the credit card, you open a high-interest card in your child’s name and transfer your debt to him. A victory for fiscal responsibility.

On Facebook

Problem: You wanted everyone to like your political rants, but everyone kept liking Frank’s baby pictures instead. You take Frank’s baby and make a “I’ll give this baby back if my anti-Obama posts get 100k likes!” post.

Aftermath: Immediate shutdown of the following departments, the 30-Year-Friendship With Frank Administration, Dept. of Human Being Certification, and the Bureau of Not Being In Prison.

Payoff: You now make seven figures a year appearing via satellite as a Fox News contributor.

Paying Your Heating Bills

Problem: You didn’t understand why you got charged $34.56 for gas in September. The gas company asked if you leave your windows open all day and night, and you called that an unacceptable overreach into your privacy. So, you defunded your “gas-paying program” and demanded that they compromise by turning off your neighbor’s gas, because they’re poor and get heating assistance.

Aftermath: Loss of the following Apartment Bureaus: the Cooking Administration, the Division of Neighbors Saying Hi, Apartment Shower Facilities (except emergency Cold Shower workers), and Heat Services. Staying open are The Office of the Most Unpopular Man In The Building and the Department of Sweaters.

Payoff: Since you live in one of those hilarious libtard states where it’s illegal to shut off heat during the winter, you don’t freeze to death. You start a Tea Party splinter wing dedicated to wasteful heating of the poor, and receive a $34 million Koch Brothers donation. You still have not paid your bill.

At Your Job

Problem: Your boss picked Johnson’s presentation over yours for the big Conference in San Francisco that the whole office is attending this year. Even though you will both present it and work together on the re-writes, you decide to cancel everyone’s plane tickets until they compromise and pick your presentation.

Aftermath: Unfortunately, because you don’t work in Congress, you get fired for acting like a spoiled 5-year-old terrorist. A deal is attempted between the Department of Income and the Department of Pragmatism to collect unemployment, but unfortunately this is sideswiped by the Department of Pride. Eventually, all departments close except for the Department of Denial.

Payoff: Desperate and suicidal, you pick up the phone and reach out to your idol: Sen. Ted Cruz. He tells you that life is a gift that only the governor of Texas has the right to take away. He also tells you that idealism is more important than pragmatism, and to keep fighting. Inspired, you decide to compromise and get on the same flight that your former co-workers are on and hold their plane hostage at gunpoint. With tears in their eyes (probably from realizing how wrong they were), they promise you your job back with a raise. Graciously, you accept the offer. You enter to the cockpit to demand the pilots compromise by flying you to Switzerland, at which point the sniper in the control tower finally gets a good shot and compromises with the spot right between your eyes.

(by Johnny McNulty)

(Reblogged from iamachilles)
The @Horse_ebooks Twitter feed is fake. Come learn about the most elaborate hoax ever pulled on the Internet. http:
Everything you like on the Internet is fake, the @horse_ebooks and Pronunciation Book edition.How was this not blindingly obvious the whole time? It makes so much sense! Via Happy Place

The Twitter feed is fake. Come learn about the most elaborate hoax ever pulled on the Internet.

Everything you like on the Internet is fake, the @horse_ebooks and Pronunciation Book edition.

How was this not blindingly obvious the whole time? It makes so much sense! 

Via Happy Place

If you have a moment, please check out my new essay on HappyPlace (excerpt below)

The 7 types of people you always meet in hot air balloons.

5. The Woman Dangling From A Rope

Jesus Christ, why do they even invite this lady? You’re finally up high enough to get in some good pointing at stuff like rivers and towns, and suddenly the only thing anyone’s pointing at is the woman dangling from a rope. Not only does she make the whole thing about her, all her thrashing and screaming and people trying to pull her up makes for a very bumpy ride. It’s like, if you wanted to scream about how much you love your husband and kids, and how if you ever see them again you promise God you’ll be a better person, just scream that at home.

(by Johnny McNulty) Via Happy Place

sasheer:

charlaface:

Straight up, the Daily Show is the most important show of our generation. 

yep.

I’ll still get behind this even though it would result in me getting frisked.

(Reblogged from sasheer)

khealywu:

vaov:

Person stalking me, responds to Wilfredo (I think). If you see him call the police. #serious

Hi guys, sorry I wasn’t more specific before, I’ve been running around. Here come the full story (quickly):

In 2004 or so I met this person briefly after an improv show I had in Caracas, he immediately started emailing me and going to shows I had all around town. As a performer I, of course, promote my shows so anyone can find me anytime. At first it seemed normal, I even replied some emails he had sent me, no different than other people who had sent me emails, the improv show I was in was pretty big in my city (400 people venue sold out three times a week six to nine months every year for several years) and I was receiving a lot of fan mails and friend requests online I had decided that it would be good karma to respond to everyone and at least say thank you and remember their names. This was no different than many other emails… for a while.

Later, near the time in which I decided to come to NY, this person contacting me and showing up in places had become a problem. He seemed to need more time and attention, to come to every show and to ask me things like “Do you have a car here?” and “can I get a ride?” he would also consistently ask me out on drinks or ask me to talk aside after my shows, he’d wait alone for a long time as I was picking up my wardrobe or getting out of make up, etc. I was directing a weekend play, acting in a matinee musical and doing my improv shows late at night at the time and he would show up a LOT. He came to shows and expect me to address him afterwards every time. He would mumble nonsense and ask me out over and over despite my repetitive rejections and literally telling him he needed to stop coming to so many shows because, frankly, I was starting to freak out. He would also send me an overwhelming amount of emails on a daily bases, so many I had to close my old email account.

The first time I told him to stop I felt like a dick, you know “Oh there’s a fan, I’m no one really but here I am telling him to go away instead of being thankful, I’m a pretentious crap” so I was nice for a long time, more than I was comfortable for, but I finally got the point I had to say something, over and over again… At first it felt like he thought ALSO “she’s a dick, I can’t believe it” and I felt guilty but he wasn’t stopping, he did MORE and it was too much.

I finally moved to NYC and he kept contacting me, at first very angry that I had moved and calling me a traitor. Thankfully it slowed down a LOT and I lost contact with him but two years ago I started receiving emails from him again. All is if it had never stopped and his anger got worse. I think he might have thought we had a back and forth relationship and me not answering was the same as answering. He found me on Facebook. He would open profiles, email me something really hateful and scary, threats (as if we’ve had a love relationship for years and now i was in bad terms) and then close the profiles, I blocked I don’t know how many of his profiles and changed my name and security options on my Facebook account. Based on some of his emails I have reasons to believe he came to NY in 2010 or 2011 and I was terrified. I got a pepper spray and warned the Theatre and the police. I never saw him but he made it sound as if he was here. 

I remembered we had a friend in common, maybe… but that was enough,I have a friend who’s brother might have gone to college with this stalker. So I emailed him and said “I don’t know if you keep in touch with this person but tell him I am contacting the authorities and he must stop.” The friend denied any contact with him but the guy stopped. Until last week.

He emailed me at my YouTube account. There are some comments on my videos that are from him. He emailed me about 10 times now and said, amongst other things, that he is good now and that he is not “like John Lennon’s crazy killer” in another email he said he wasn’t going to kill me. Then… he referenced not killing me again. 

I am not sure where this person is right now, I don’t know if he’s in Finland, Venezuela, NY or China. I only know that every time it seems he goes away he comes back saying scarier and scarier things. Mentioning he’s not gonna kill me has put me on the edge and that’s why I need your guys’ eyes.

I’m gathering all the emails from him and filing with the police again, probably a restraining order to serve him would be enough but restraining orders are served only if he approaches me and most of the contact is online through different profiles. Sneaky/tricky.

This person is psychotic and this has not stopped and seem to only have gotten worse. The contact is fewer but really intense and the things he says are very scary.

If you see him report him please. I believe this person to be very dangerous. Thank you guys 

Signal boost. Please notify the authorities if you see this person around UCB, etc.

(Reblogged from matthewsstarr)