Problem: Your spouse wanted one of those bookcases with square cubbies. You didn’t want a new bookcase, so you met her halfway by burning all the books.
Aftermath: Causes immediate shutdown of the Department of Fucking and putting all non-essential talking on furlough. The Departments of Playing Nice For The In-Laws, Trash Duty, and the Masturbation Reserve Force will remain open, however.
Payoff: You get a DVD rack because you don’t want Big Apartment telling you that you have to read.
Paying Off Credit Card Debt
Problem: Your credit card company gave you a $5,000 credit limit, but your card is already unfairly maxed out because your bleeding heart spouse took your bleeding limbs kid to the hospital. So, you send them a check postdated for “when you stop charging me for my kids’ stupid healthcare. I don’t pay for other people’s healthcare.”
Aftermath: Your credit card is shut down, which means sharp cutbacks at the Office of Credit Ratings and the Child’s Respect Services. However, you will still be able to interact with the Office of Repo Man Relations and, of course, Child Protective Services.
Payoff: In an ingenious solution to re-start the credit card, you open a high-interest card in your child’s name and transfer your debt to him. A victory for fiscal responsibility.
Problem: You wanted everyone to like your political rants, but everyone kept liking Frank’s baby pictures instead. You take Frank’s baby and make a “I’ll give this baby back if my anti-Obama posts get 100k likes!” post.
Aftermath: Immediate shutdown of the following departments, the 30-Year-Friendship With Frank Administration, Dept. of Human Being Certification, and the Bureau of Not Being In Prison.
Payoff: You now make seven figures a year appearing via satellite as a Fox News contributor.
Paying Your Heating Bills
Problem: You didn’t understand why you got charged $34.56 for gas in September. The gas company asked if you leave your windows open all day and night, and you called that an unacceptable overreach into your privacy. So, you defunded your “gas-paying program” and demanded that they compromise by turning off your neighbor’s gas, because they’re poor and get heating assistance.
Aftermath: Loss of the following Apartment Bureaus: the Cooking Administration, the Division of Neighbors Saying Hi, Apartment Shower Facilities (except emergency Cold Shower workers), and Heat Services. Staying open are The Office of the Most Unpopular Man In The Building and the Department of Sweaters.
Payoff: Since you live in one of those hilarious libtard states where it’s illegal to shut off heat during the winter, you don’t freeze to death. You start a Tea Party splinter wing dedicated to wasteful heating of the poor, and receive a $34 million Koch Brothers donation. You still have not paid your bill.
At Your Job
Problem: Your boss picked Johnson’s presentation over yours for the big Conference in San Francisco that the whole office is attending this year. Even though you will both present it and work together on the re-writes, you decide to cancel everyone’s plane tickets until they compromise and pick your presentation.
Aftermath: Unfortunately, because you don’t work in Congress, you get fired for acting like a spoiled 5-year-old terrorist. A deal is attempted between the Department of Income and the Department of Pragmatism to collect unemployment, but unfortunately this is sideswiped by the Department of Pride. Eventually, all departments close except for the Department of Denial.
Payoff: Desperate and suicidal, you pick up the phone and reach out to your idol: Sen. Ted Cruz. He tells you that life is a gift that only the governor of Texas has the right to take away. He also tells you that idealism is more important than pragmatism, and to keep fighting. Inspired, you decide to compromise and get on the same flight that your former co-workers are on and hold their plane hostage at gunpoint. With tears in their eyes (probably from realizing how wrong they were), they promise you your job back with a raise. Graciously, you accept the offer. You enter to the cockpit to demand the pilots compromise by flying you to Switzerland, at which point the sniper in the control tower finally gets a good shot and compromises with the spot right between your eyes.
Some people feel like being paid a few dollars for performing is the only fair way for a theatre to not take advantage of its performers. The UCB feel like the non-monetary things they offer to the individual and the overall benefits of their model to the larger community are worth more than a few bucks. And paying that few bucks will undermine, and possibly destroy, those other things.
So it comes down to priorities - personal and professional. For people who agree with the UCB, the UCBT is a great place to perform. For people who don’t, the UCBT probably isn’t for them.
But most importantly - these two ideas can coexist! The UCB are not trying to change the economic model of other theatres and clubs. In this podcast they never say that everyone should do things they way they do. All they’re saying is - This is what we do. This is why we do it. This is what we’ve built. We think it’s valuable. So do a lot of other people. If you don’t, then we understand that and wish you well.
I have seen a lot of people saying they hope there can be some kind of compromise. But it seems like what “compromise” really means is that the UCBT start paying people, which is not a compromise, it’s one philosophy replacing the other. But Besser does offer a potential compromise in this podcast. To paraphrase, he says: If stand-ups say the UCBT is doing club-quality shows on the weekends and they want to be paid for performing in those shows, and if the UCBT say they cannot do that, then perhaps there should not be stand-up shows at the UCBT on weekends. Personally, I don’t think that’s a good solution. Personally, I think that hurts more people than it helps. And I think individual performers should just choose not to perform where they don’t feel welcome or respected. But it is a compromise.
I haven’t been around in a little while so I was caught off-guard by this brouhaha but why don’t stand-ups and improvisors just agree to go on shit-talking each other from a distance while secretly longing for the other’s approval like we always have?
Go out around 4 p.m. local time on Monday, and position yourself so that the sun is behind a chimney or rooftop to your right. Blocking the sun is always essential if you’re looking anywhere close to the sun. WARNING:Never look directly at the sun with your unaided eye or through binoculars or telescopes without special light filters. Severe eye damage can result.
Then face due south, and look two-thirds of the way up the sky towards overhead. If the sky is clear, you should be able to clearly see the crescent moon. Look just above the moon, and you should be able to see Venus as a tiny brilliant pinpoint of light.
Reporter by: EDGAR MUNOZ Narrated by: MIGUEL TAMAYO Channel: Politics
During a stump speech in New Hampshire last week, Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney opened up about his family roots in Mexico, a part of his life that he had largely shied away from up until recently.
In order to learn more, Univision visited Casas Grandes, Chihuahua, a Mormon community that some 50 of Romney’s cousins call home.