Showing posts tagged humor

This is the thing I’m most proud of writing in 2013 (so far)

How to use the GOP’s shutdown tactics to get whatever you want in life.

When Decorating The Home

Problem: Your spouse wanted one of those bookcases with square cubbies. You didn’t want a new bookcase, so you met her halfway by burning all the books.

Aftermath: Causes immediate shutdown of the Department of Fucking and putting all non-essential talking on furlough. The Departments of Playing Nice For The In-Laws, Trash Duty, and the Masturbation Reserve Force will remain open, however.

Payoff: You get a DVD rack because you don’t want Big Apartment telling you that you have to read.

Paying Off Credit Card Debt

Problem: Your credit card company gave you a $5,000 credit limit, but your card is already unfairly maxed out because your bleeding heart spouse took your bleeding limbs kid to the hospital. So, you send them a check postdated for “when you stop charging me for my kids’ stupid healthcare. I don’t pay for other people’s healthcare.”

Aftermath: Your credit card is shut down, which means sharp cutbacks at the Office of Credit Ratings and the Child’s Respect Services. However, you will still be able to interact with the Office of Repo Man Relations and, of course, Child Protective Services.

Payoff: In an ingenious solution to re-start the credit card, you open a high-interest card in your child’s name and transfer your debt to him. A victory for fiscal responsibility.

On Facebook

Problem: You wanted everyone to like your political rants, but everyone kept liking Frank’s baby pictures instead. You take Frank’s baby and make a “I’ll give this baby back if my anti-Obama posts get 100k likes!” post.

Aftermath: Immediate shutdown of the following departments, the 30-Year-Friendship With Frank Administration, Dept. of Human Being Certification, and the Bureau of Not Being In Prison.

Payoff: You now make seven figures a year appearing via satellite as a Fox News contributor.

Paying Your Heating Bills

Problem: You didn’t understand why you got charged $34.56 for gas in September. The gas company asked if you leave your windows open all day and night, and you called that an unacceptable overreach into your privacy. So, you defunded your “gas-paying program” and demanded that they compromise by turning off your neighbor’s gas, because they’re poor and get heating assistance.

Aftermath: Loss of the following Apartment Bureaus: the Cooking Administration, the Division of Neighbors Saying Hi, Apartment Shower Facilities (except emergency Cold Shower workers), and Heat Services. Staying open are The Office of the Most Unpopular Man In The Building and the Department of Sweaters.

Payoff: Since you live in one of those hilarious libtard states where it’s illegal to shut off heat during the winter, you don’t freeze to death. You start a Tea Party splinter wing dedicated to wasteful heating of the poor, and receive a $34 million Koch Brothers donation. You still have not paid your bill.

At Your Job

Problem: Your boss picked Johnson’s presentation over yours for the big Conference in San Francisco that the whole office is attending this year. Even though you will both present it and work together on the re-writes, you decide to cancel everyone’s plane tickets until they compromise and pick your presentation.

Aftermath: Unfortunately, because you don’t work in Congress, you get fired for acting like a spoiled 5-year-old terrorist. A deal is attempted between the Department of Income and the Department of Pragmatism to collect unemployment, but unfortunately this is sideswiped by the Department of Pride. Eventually, all departments close except for the Department of Denial.

Payoff: Desperate and suicidal, you pick up the phone and reach out to your idol: Sen. Ted Cruz. He tells you that life is a gift that only the governor of Texas has the right to take away. He also tells you that idealism is more important than pragmatism, and to keep fighting. Inspired, you decide to compromise and get on the same flight that your former co-workers are on and hold their plane hostage at gunpoint. With tears in their eyes (probably from realizing how wrong they were), they promise you your job back with a raise. Graciously, you accept the offer. You enter to the cockpit to demand the pilots compromise by flying you to Switzerland, at which point the sniper in the control tower finally gets a good shot and compromises with the spot right between your eyes.

(by Johnny McNulty)

This is the pilot for Freddi Scheib’s great webseries, Missed Connections. I’m in Episode 3 and I punched up a joke here and there as well, so I’m heavily invested in this project. It’s sooooo good.

robmichaelhugel:

realbenrameaka:

Emily Altman is a genius. This is the sketch that was awesome to perform. I hope I get to do it again. But, if you live in Buenos Aires, and have no plans on visiting New York City to see me in a live performance, you can certainly watch the above sketch!

Best 6 minutes spent on the internet. Emily, Ben, Onassis, love em.
(Reblogged from robmichaelhugel)

Maybe my favorite episode yet.

boners101:

Johnny and Aaron accidentally expose themselves to a group of actors.

(Reblogged from boners101)

Something about Underdog…just makes you want to root for him.

boners101:

Minisode 00002: Stoners 101

(Reblogged from boners101)

The new episode of my webseries with Aaron Kheifets. We try and fail to follow i-bankers out for tail.

Featuring: Shannon Coffey, Nate Russell, Mike Scollins, Jesse Lee, Tavon Bolourchi, Isabelle Zuffrey Boulton, Mickey O’Sullivan, Shak Brenner

boners101:

Ep 00002: Investment Bankers

(Reblogged from boners101)

NO MORE COMMENTS

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Comments sections are the worst idea in the history of the internet.

Why does CNN have a comments section? Or the NYTimes? WHY? If people want to write a letter to the editor, then great. Let them write it to the editors, and let the editors read it, and if it’s awesome, let the editors print it.

But the way it’s set up is giving an automatic platform for the worst people on earth, in the very space we get our news from! I went to this friggin website because it’s written by professionals. If I want to hear morons, I have that chance every day on the street, at any service industry outlet, and at work.

Comments are good for three things:

1. Hate speech and negative-intelligence political diatribes.

2. Shameless plugs.

3. Asinine agreement.

If you want to express your opinion, get your own blog. It’s free, and people who agree or disagree with you can post and link to you, and vice versa, and suddenly you’ve become a real live person instead of a troll.

I’m not knocking discussion boards, those are a totally different beast altogether.

If you have a comment, fine, this is Tumblr, that’s the point of Tumblr. I don’t pretend to be the New York Times. But if you really have something to say, you’d be better off re-blogging it and actually thinking for five minutes about what you want to add.

Peace,

Johnny

This is a cartoon I made recently. I like it, and it was my first rejection (and submission) to the New Yorker, who kindly wrote me back a tiny note saying (paraphrasing here) “no, and by the way usually people send self-addressed stamped envelopes so we can reject them more cheaply.” I felt so encouraged that they opted to shell out the dollar-ish amount (between tiny stationary, envelope and postage) to let me know instead of just tossing it.