Showing posts tagged politics

This is the thing I’m most proud of writing in 2013 (so far)

How to use the GOP’s shutdown tactics to get whatever you want in life.

When Decorating The Home

Problem: Your spouse wanted one of those bookcases with square cubbies. You didn’t want a new bookcase, so you met her halfway by burning all the books.

Aftermath: Causes immediate shutdown of the Department of Fucking and putting all non-essential talking on furlough. The Departments of Playing Nice For The In-Laws, Trash Duty, and the Masturbation Reserve Force will remain open, however.

Payoff: You get a DVD rack because you don’t want Big Apartment telling you that you have to read.

Paying Off Credit Card Debt

Problem: Your credit card company gave you a $5,000 credit limit, but your card is already unfairly maxed out because your bleeding heart spouse took your bleeding limbs kid to the hospital. So, you send them a check postdated for “when you stop charging me for my kids’ stupid healthcare. I don’t pay for other people’s healthcare.”

Aftermath: Your credit card is shut down, which means sharp cutbacks at the Office of Credit Ratings and the Child’s Respect Services. However, you will still be able to interact with the Office of Repo Man Relations and, of course, Child Protective Services.

Payoff: In an ingenious solution to re-start the credit card, you open a high-interest card in your child’s name and transfer your debt to him. A victory for fiscal responsibility.

On Facebook

Problem: You wanted everyone to like your political rants, but everyone kept liking Frank’s baby pictures instead. You take Frank’s baby and make a “I’ll give this baby back if my anti-Obama posts get 100k likes!” post.

Aftermath: Immediate shutdown of the following departments, the 30-Year-Friendship With Frank Administration, Dept. of Human Being Certification, and the Bureau of Not Being In Prison.

Payoff: You now make seven figures a year appearing via satellite as a Fox News contributor.

Paying Your Heating Bills

Problem: You didn’t understand why you got charged $34.56 for gas in September. The gas company asked if you leave your windows open all day and night, and you called that an unacceptable overreach into your privacy. So, you defunded your “gas-paying program” and demanded that they compromise by turning off your neighbor’s gas, because they’re poor and get heating assistance.

Aftermath: Loss of the following Apartment Bureaus: the Cooking Administration, the Division of Neighbors Saying Hi, Apartment Shower Facilities (except emergency Cold Shower workers), and Heat Services. Staying open are The Office of the Most Unpopular Man In The Building and the Department of Sweaters.

Payoff: Since you live in one of those hilarious libtard states where it’s illegal to shut off heat during the winter, you don’t freeze to death. You start a Tea Party splinter wing dedicated to wasteful heating of the poor, and receive a $34 million Koch Brothers donation. You still have not paid your bill.

At Your Job

Problem: Your boss picked Johnson’s presentation over yours for the big Conference in San Francisco that the whole office is attending this year. Even though you will both present it and work together on the re-writes, you decide to cancel everyone’s plane tickets until they compromise and pick your presentation.

Aftermath: Unfortunately, because you don’t work in Congress, you get fired for acting like a spoiled 5-year-old terrorist. A deal is attempted between the Department of Income and the Department of Pragmatism to collect unemployment, but unfortunately this is sideswiped by the Department of Pride. Eventually, all departments close except for the Department of Denial.

Payoff: Desperate and suicidal, you pick up the phone and reach out to your idol: Sen. Ted Cruz. He tells you that life is a gift that only the governor of Texas has the right to take away. He also tells you that idealism is more important than pragmatism, and to keep fighting. Inspired, you decide to compromise and get on the same flight that your former co-workers are on and hold their plane hostage at gunpoint. With tears in their eyes (probably from realizing how wrong they were), they promise you your job back with a raise. Graciously, you accept the offer. You enter to the cockpit to demand the pilots compromise by flying you to Switzerland, at which point the sniper in the control tower finally gets a good shot and compromises with the spot right between your eyes.

(by Johnny McNulty)

VIDEO: Univision catches up with Romney’s Mexican cousins

Mormxicans!

univisionnews:

Reporter by: EDGAR MUNOZ
Narrated by: MIGUEL TAMAYO
Channel: Politics 

During a stump speech in New Hampshire last week, Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney opened up about his family roots in Mexico, a part of his life that he had largely shied away from up until recently.

In order to learn more, Univision visited Casas Grandes, Chihuahua, a Mormon community that some 50 of Romney’s cousins call home.

(Reblogged from thisisfusion)
The moment before the health care repeal effort - and the worst paper cut in Congressional history.

The moment before the health care repeal effort - and the worst paper cut in Congressional history.

NO MORE COMMENTS

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Comments sections are the worst idea in the history of the internet.

Why does CNN have a comments section? Or the NYTimes? WHY? If people want to write a letter to the editor, then great. Let them write it to the editors, and let the editors read it, and if it’s awesome, let the editors print it.

But the way it’s set up is giving an automatic platform for the worst people on earth, in the very space we get our news from! I went to this friggin website because it’s written by professionals. If I want to hear morons, I have that chance every day on the street, at any service industry outlet, and at work.

Comments are good for three things:

1. Hate speech and negative-intelligence political diatribes.

2. Shameless plugs.

3. Asinine agreement.

If you want to express your opinion, get your own blog. It’s free, and people who agree or disagree with you can post and link to you, and vice versa, and suddenly you’ve become a real live person instead of a troll.

I’m not knocking discussion boards, those are a totally different beast altogether.

If you have a comment, fine, this is Tumblr, that’s the point of Tumblr. I don’t pretend to be the New York Times. But if you really have something to say, you’d be better off re-blogging it and actually thinking for five minutes about what you want to add.

Peace,

Johnny

Liberal Tea Party

I figured it out, guys:

We’re not gonna pay for Medicare.

As a mental exercise, draw a Venn Diagram of Angry Old White People and the Tea Party. It’s a circle.

So, health care is pretty much dead right? Right, because we’re not going to start funding socialized health care in 2010. This is America.

So get a job you old bastards, because your next hip replacement is on you. They want to rally behind Rick Santelli, the guy who said “I’m not going to subsidize some loser’s mortgage just because the economy tanked,” and the beautiful poetry of Sarah Palin’s “how’s that hopey-changey thing workin’ out for ya?” (Yeah, that’s been a tea party slogan for months but to be fair, she thought their posters were cue cards) Fine. We won’t do socialism anymore. Starting with those old Republican parasitic hypocrites.

If you’re under 30, probably if you’re under 40, you’re never getting Medicare. Never. NFW. In the next few decades it and the other socialism/entitlement programs will balloon to eat the entire fucking budget. You think that will actually come to pass? No, you idiot. They’re just going to cancel it for you after you finish paying off the Baby Boomers’ Cialis prescription. The people getting Medicare now are flat-out stealing from you.

They are refusing to fix the problems of 40+ years from now. So why should I be beholden to the agreements of 40+ years ago? Those men who came up with Medicare are dead and buried, and they set up a system that’s going to fuck over each and every one of us in our generation personally.

If they (they = the angry old mob and their GOP reps) aren’t even going to try to fix health care so it’s still a working concept when I’m 50, then we sure as hell shouldn’t pay to keep them alive so they can keep wrecking everything. I’m not saying I hope they die. I’m just saying that unless they pay for it themselves they’re being thieving, dishonest fucks.

So this April, calculate how much of your taxes are going to medicare. Then subtract. Starve the beast of its prescription benefits.

New Essay: Campaign Emails From The Donahue Family Pet Debate

From: “Martin Donahue” martin@MartinDonahueWantsADog.com
Subject: One Step Closer

Dear Family,

I’ve just come from a spirited but productive Family Meeting. We can now finally repair the dog-shaped hole in the hearts of the majority of family members. The cat campaign was skillfully waged, but ultimately the dog had the day. Myself, Dad, and Kevin voted for a dog, and Mom and Laura voted for a cat.

Now, the boys understand our sister’s preference for a cat, and we’re totally up for talking about that later, after the dog settles in. Your claim that it’ll get your room is fear-mongering hyperbole. Any hint we gave that that was true was just teasing. As for Mom’s assertion that Dad picked the car so she should pick the animal that stays home with her all damn day, I appeal to her sense of democracy and respect for majority rule.

And Kevin, while getting a Rottweiler would be nice, it’s unlikely, and the point of this process is getting a terrific canine pet, not one specific option.

Let’s advance with respect and optimism as we begin selecting a breed and on boy vs. girl. We rightfully had a vigorous debate, but now we must unite to accept this puppy into our home.

Sincerely,
Martin Donahue
Eldest Sibling


From: gilmostgirl@gmail.com
Subject: Nuh Uh

Dear Family,

No way did we decide to get a dog tonight. There were two votes for cat, two votes for dog, and Kevin voted for Rottweiler.

On a multiple choice test, if the options are either A or B, and you write down Rottweiler, you don’t get credit. Kevin did not vote for a dog. Kevin voted for a Rottweiler. Since we’re never going to get a Rottweiler, Kevin’s vote doesn’t count.

We’ll vote again at next week’s Family Meeting. Tonight didn’t count. We should spend as much time on the issue as it takes to realize we need a cat.

Dogs are big, smelly, and dumb. I don’t want one. Mom doesn’t want one. Its the wrong decision. What’s happening to the family we used to know?

Plus, Dad, I looked on the internet and dogs are way more expensive than cats. Remember that whole big talk about saving money, and you told Mom you’d cut beer next, promise? Maybe she and I would forget you said that with a cat. Or I could give up my phone! I would!

If we get a cat it will love us and you can even take pictures of them and put them on the internet if you want.

P.S. Martin, once “the dog settles in” we’ll have to “get you a car” or “send you to college.” The pet window is now, and you’re 14. You’re gone in 4 years, you’re too old to vote.

This is NOT over. We are GETTING a NICE, FLUFFY KITTY.

<3<3<3<3
Laura Donahue
Travel Team Soccer Captain


From: “Susan Donahue” susan@knitmonsters.com
Subject: Go to bed.

We are not talking about this any more tonight.

-mom


From: kevman50002@hotmail.com
Subject: Facts

Facts:
Rottweilers originated during the Roman Empire.
Rottweilers herded the cattle that armies brought along for food.
Our Rottweiler would let you lay your head on his belly next to a fire.
Rottweilers worked as draught animals to haul carts.
Rottweilers were also police and military dogs.
Our Rottweiler Jake could jump out of bushes when Timmy Delarosa teases me and scare him.
Despite their fierce reputation, Rottweilers simply very loyal and like to work a lot.
Rottweilers were the most popular dog in America during part of the 1990s.
Rottweilers are awesome.
Rottweilers are the best kind of dog so why would you get a different dog.
Cats are lazy and boring.

Rottweiler,
Kevin


From: gilmostgirl@gmail.com
Subject: Why Are We Even Talking About This

Dear Family,

Once again, Mom says stop and one of the boys disobeys and spouts pro-dog nonsense anyway. We are not getting a Rottweiler. Both Mom and Dad said so, and Tina’s dad got a Rottweiler and now she said his assurance rates went up.

I don’t care if Kevin reads Rottweiler books all day, that’s not a reason to bring a murderer into the house. You’re gonna be upset when the Rottweiler eats me, Dad.

Kevin only wants a Rottweiler. We can’t get a Rottweiler, so he doesn’t count as a dog vote.

<3<3<3<3
Laura Donahue
Travel Team Soccer Captain


From: “Martin Donahue” martin@MartinDonahueWantsADog.com
Subject: Pot and Tea Kettle

Dear Family,

Laura is obviously talking just as much as Kevin after Mom said not to. And it’s “insurance rates.” Maybe you and Kevin are just too young to weigh in. So it’s still 2-1 me and Dad vs. Mom.

We both know that Kevin will go for a dog over a cat. Stop trying to divide everybody.

Taking the high road,
Martin


From: “Susan Donahue” susan@knitmonsters.com
Subject: RE: Go to bed.

GO TO BED. WE ARE NEVER GETTING A PET. IF ANYTHING I’M DEBATING DECREASING HOW MANY THINGS LIVE IN THIS HOUSE.

-mom


From: “Matthew Donahue” huedaman@gmail.com
Subject: Come downstairs

I don’t know if it’s a dog or a sweet science experiment, but there’s a chocolate lab downstairs!

Love,
Dad


From: “Susan Donahue” susan@knitmonsters.com
Subject: RE: Come downstairs

Matt, I believe there’s a summit of the G2 powers upstairs right now.


From: “Matthew Donahue” huedaman@gmail.com
Subject: Re: RE: Come downstairs

Did I miss something?